An Explanation

I've been frustrated lately. Frustrated by life. Frustrated by the delicate balance between work and home. The roles of worker and mother. Wife and mother. Wife and bread winner.
I have to work. It's not in the cards financially for me to not work. Not even a little bit. Not even in a "if you just sacrifice a little you can have it all" kind of way. I have to earn what I earn and not a penny less at this time in our lives. I also support our family with health benefits that are better than those offered by my husband's company. That being said. Since I HAVE to work, I would at least like to be moving forward in my career. Sounds easy, right? Unfortunately I have discovered two problems with that. I will explain shortly...

Four years into my current career, I am itching for change. It's not that I don't like my job. It's good. There are a lot of challenges to keep me busy. I really enjoy my co-workers. The thing is, the industry I'm in, people don't stay in a position like mine for more than 3 to 5 years. They move onwards and upwards.  It's time for the next step. The problem I have found with my attempts at upward mobility are two-fold: 

1) People don't want to hire someone who explicitly tells them they have a two-year-old son who is "really important in my life." (I know, who in their right mind would disclose this information in the first place? Yup, this girl.) They aren't legally able to tell you that this is a death sentence for your future, but I just had a first hand experience that indicates otherwise.

2) I don't want to work harder or more hours. I don't want to commute. I work enough hours and weekends as it is and I refuse to do more than I am already committed to. I had yet another first hand experience a few months ago where my supervisor told me that he thought I needed to be sitting in my chair at 7pm every night like some of my co-workers in order to be seen as a leader and worthy of a promotion in my current job. At this point in my life, that's just not going to happen. Upward mobility be darned, I guess.

All this to say, I'm frustrated.

Leaving my darling boy everyday tears me apart. It's been harder than usual lately. Probably because the changes are coming at a more rapid pace. If my career was going somewhere, maybe this would be easier to take. Who knows? Some moms love their jobs, have found a great balance between their mommy and work roles and wouldn't want it any other way. I've searched my soul and determined this isn't me. At least not right now. I think I would always want to earn money somehow, just with a more flexible schedule. Teaching college part-time somewhere (I'm going through this hiring process now actually - on top of my current job), free lancing, professional blogging (ha ha), etc. I would just love to get back even a portion of the 10 hours a day that I am away from Luke. Sooner than later he'll be in school and I feel I will have missed something precious.

Sometimes I envy people who don't work. I envy their craft time. I envy their beautiful, full days with their children. I envy their playdates and their time for baking. I envy their potential for nap time (maybe that doesn't exist in that world either. Ha ha.) When I say "envy," I'll be honest, it's an unhealthy, gut-wretching envy that makes me feel ugly inside. I hate it.

I know the grass isn't always greener, and if I were on that side of the fence I would probably envy the moms who got to wash the food out of their hair, dress up and leave the house for grown up conversations and personal fulfillment on a daily basis. But, I hope I would savor its sweetness a little more knowing what life was like without it.

I don't mean to sound depressing or complain-y (is that a word?) or act like "my life is so hard." Everybody has "stuff" and this is just the "stuff" I've been going through lately. Trying to come to grips with the fact that this is my life and my responsibility to my family right now. That doesn't mean I'm not working towards a way to change this reality, (Justin and I both are), but for now I'm in an uncomfortable place. The desire to grow as a professional chafing against my desires to be the best mommy to my son.

For that reason, I've decided to start a new blog. You may have seen a post meant for that blog come across your blogger dashboard or google reader this afternoon. Rookie multiple blog site poster mistake. I removed the post pretty quick and put it where it was intended, but I felt like I wanted to explain. In case it caused any confusion. I'm sure all 7 followers of this blog were really concerned (insert sarcasm font). I figure I've been going through this discomfort for a reason and thought I would bring a voice to the defining role in my life right now, "Working Mom." 90% of the blogs I read are written by stay-at-home-moms or moms who make a living by blogging or etsy sales. I haven't found much out there for women like me. So, I thought I'd see if I can fill that void.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for understanding. If you are a stay-at-home-mom reading this you might not understand where I'm coming from because you have "stuff" that is hard and uncomfortable about your situation. Regardless, I truly hope you won't pass unnecessary judgement. I see a lot of vitriol spewed from both sides of "the mommy wars" and it turns my stomach. Being a mom is hard no matter what your situation in lfe. I may envy you to an unhealthy degree, but I also give you big props for what you do and I know it can't be easy either. I hope you can extend the same grace and understanding to me.



Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my favorite job! Gotta go pick up "the boss" from his overnight at the Grandparents. :)

Semi Grown Up Christmas Wish List

Christmas Wish List:

I have reached a new level of tackiness! I promised Justin a detailed list of what I want/need for Christmas and feel this is the best forum to do that.

J, feel free to share it with anyone else needing inspiration this year. (Mom, this does not include you - you already got a list!) :)

Black glitter Toms - Size 9

Simple gray ruffle hoodie from Evy's Tree - Size Large

Silver glittery "chicaband"

Supposedly they are great for keeping your hair out of your face when running.

Mindy Kaling's new book

"High in the sky" necklace from Lisa Leonard Designs

Skinny tag:  "Luke"

Round charm:  "Shine"

Utility Tote (in black or fun dark print)

Since a cleaning lady isn't in the cards this Christmas, I really need a utility tote to streamline my cleaning process. (I have 3 bathrooms now!)

I really like this one from 31 Things because of all the outside pockets, but it may only be available at catalog shows.

1 TB - External hard drive 

Gift cards are always helpful and appreciated.

Personally I enjoy:  Target, Starbucks, H&M and Old Navy the most

Homemade gifts

I always love personalized gifts that involve pictures of people I love. No fancy or expensive gift can compare to these in my book.

Stationery card

We Are Thankful Fall Greeting

Invitations, announcements and greeting cards by Shutterfly.

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Where you can find me

Don't worry. I haven't forgotten about you little blog. I've just been spending more time over here these days.

Do you ever blog in your head? I feel like I blog about stuff all day long - it just never makes it from my brain to the keyboard. And uploading pictures from my phone and/or camera just seems to be an extra hassle I haven't wanted to deal with lately.

So, because I kind of hate when people make excuses for not blogging; I have decided to do exactly that and give you a brief list of my excuses for not blogging lately.

1.No Internet at the new house. (We can actually use the 3G network on our Verizon phones to connect, but I don't really know for sure how much it's costing me so I've been limiting my usage.)

2. Work is killing me. (Read:  I've been reeeeeaaaal busy and probably shouldn't be blogging from work anyway...)

3. I'm pooped. (Summer hours ended last week, so I'm back to the usual 8 to 5. Throw in an extra 30 minutes each way on my new commute, plus dinner, dishes, laundry at the old house because we don't have our laundry room set up yet, playing and bath time with Luke, attempting to unpack boxes, chores, etc and whew! I'm ready for bed.

There it is. I haven't forgotten you. Just because I have a new mistress in the form of This Vine Life, doesn't mean our relationship has to end. I'll be back, I promise!

(Right after I get some rest, stop working so much and start putting together coherent thoughts again.)

Thoughts On Moving

I wish my moving experience could be more like a movie montage.

It would go something like this:  Paint rolling, floor sweeping, window washing, furniture carrying, photo hanging, flower arranging, etc. - all done in a fast forwarded, three-minute segment set to a peppy song culminating in real time when the cutely disheveled, pony-tailed, looks-awesome-in-jeans protaganist tosses a perfectly matched throw pillow onto her well-placed couch and then plops down looking adorably exhausted.

Sadly, my experience is a little more realistic, but it does have these two guys going for it.

And despite the paint covered hair, the five or six hours spent AFTER work getting the place ready (I'm very Type A about my painting) and the ick factor of cleaning up someone else's dirt, as well as the new "country bug" situation I am facing; I am reminded why we are doing it and just how blessed I am in this whole endeavor. Here's to embracing the adventure!

(I still wish I could be the cutely disheveled protaganist though.)

An Unexpected Break

We were planning to be moving/painting/unpacking/etc. during our week long vacation at the end of July. Since that didn't happen, we decided to make the most of our completely free week and relax. Our house in boxes, we thought getting out of town was the best course of action. With new house expenses coming, we didn't want to spend a ton of money, so here's how we spent our week:

Boating with the In-Laws

Luke enjoyed his first time on the boat - for the most part. He was much more comfortable ON the boat than swimming in the lake. Could be due to the fact that one of his first in-lake experiences was a quick jump into the water with his dad. He may be traumatized for life. He felt better when we let him float on the knee board.

(For the record, we really didn't pull him on the knee board - it was just for show.)

After a day at the lake we stopped at the Nut Tree in Vacaville for dinner and a chance to play on the fun equipment.

Next up - visiting the dentist in Oakdale!

Normally a trip to the dentist wouldn't be the highlight of a vacation, but since our dentist is an old college friend we planned a dinner date after our appointments. While waiting for daddy to get his teeth cleaned, Luke made his way through all of the books and magazines in the waiting room. After he finished those he found a Gideon Bible in a drawer and carried it around the room and up and down various chairs. Dr. Simon was glad to hear that someone finally put it to good use!

Monterey Bay

The next day we got up early and headed to Monterey for a couple of nights. Thanks to our Monterey Bay Aquarium membership (yay Aunt Pat!), our entertainment was free! My camera batteries died, so the best I could do were cell phone pictures on this trip.

The outer bay exhibit just reopened so we stared in awe at the big blue tank for quite awhile.

Luke loved all the little areas built especially for people his size.



He loves the ones that go "round and round and upside down" like in his fish book (Hooray for Fish - check it out!)



We also went to Dennis the Menace Park for the first time. 

(A typical Luke shot these days involves me getting a great view of his back as he runs away from me.)

Friday we came home and spent the weekend packing, meeting up with friends for dinner and stopping by the new (yet to be official - but we're close!) house to check on progress and decide on paint colors. Sunday night we finished off the week with a going away party for one of my favorite co-workers. She's leaving to become a stay-at-home mom for awhile (sniff sniff). As you can see, my boss' dog was a big fan of Luke.

That's it! A recap of our "relaxing" and unexpected vacation week.

Photo Challenge Day 23: Sunflare

Enjoying the sunshine in Monterey.

A longer post on our vacation to come!


I'm doing the 30 Day Photography Challenge. View the challenges

Day 22 - Daddy's Hands

Day 22 - Hands

I love watching my boys play together.

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Day 21 - Faceless

Day 21:  Faceless Self-Portrait

This is from when we went to Woody's on the Wharf a few weeks ago.

Can you see my t-strap brown sandals in this picture? I bought them that morning, it was the only time I wore them and now they are missing! So sad!


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The Secret REVEALED

I feel like a jerk.

When I first announced "the secret" a few weeks ago I never expected to have to wait so long to reveal it. I just thought it would be a fun way to create a little intrigue and excitement; two words that I normally wouldn't associate with my method of storytelling.

As usual, things didn't go as planned and what I expected to be able to reveal at the end of June soon turned into the third week of July. Now that the third week of July is here I still don't feel like it's quite the right time to share my news. Thus, my feeling like a jerk.

However, against my better judgement, I'm going to tell you anyway. I promised something would happen on July 21st and I won't renege on that promise.

But first let me say how surprised I was that so many of you assumed that my secret had to do with being pregnant. I mean, can't a woman of child bearing age have a secret NOT related to her uterus? Jeez louise people!

So, let's recap shall we?

Clue #1

Tracy Byrd sings a song that goes something like... "We're from the country and we like it that way."

Clue #2



Grapes

Somewhere after Clue #2 I got a little bored with my clue giving because SOMEONE was spot on in their guessing and took the wind out of my sails. Hmpf!

Clue #3 was "July 21st"

Which is an important date that unfortunately is not going to go as we had anticipated.

The secret is...

We're moving!!!!

HERE!!!

to a vineyard!!!

Hopefully....

Long story short. We got an AMAZING deal on a foreclosure in Lodi wine country on a five acre vineyard. Crazy, right? The seller agreed to do some work on a few trouble spots. They did, but their contractor did a shoddy job (and when I say "shoddy" I mean it the way it is written as well as the way it sounds if you say it fast and it comes out like a bad swear) and now my kitchen looks like this and will continue to look like this for the indeterminate future.

(Not my kitchen, but you get the idea.)

So, we're still in escrow and the news of the delay kind of put a damper on how I wanted to share the news, which was by revealing my new blog! But, that will have to remain a revelation for another day. Gotta make sure my name is on that dotted line and the ink is dry before I'll be confident that THIS is going to be my new life.

Suffice it to say, it's beautiful and we love it and it gives us the perfect amount of house space for the needs of our current and hopefully future family. (But this isn't about my uterus people!)

Please excuse my son's ridiculously long bowl cut.

For the time being I'll keep fretting over paint chip colors and agonizing over my Pinterest inspiration boards deciding how to decorate my new digs. As evidenced in the photo above, we'll have our work cut out for us soon enough!

Thanks for bearing with me and my jerky secret keeping. More to come!

Photo Challenge Day 20 and the Fair

So, I'm skipping Day 20 - it's a little too fancy for my non-fancy camera. Instead I'll tell you about the time we went to the County Fair.

Let me begin by saying, I am not a "fair" person. As a matter of fact, I kind of hate the fair. Just the thought of it makes me feel hot and dirty and have flashbacks to my years in small town television when I had spend a lot of time at the fair filming pageant competitions and art shows. You will never look at "scholarship competitions" the same way after you've spent countless hours standing behind a camera watching 6-22 year olds perform (mostly) really bad dance/singing/instrumental/acting (for those who can't sing, play an instrument or dance) routines, all the while connected by headphones to the director's truck hearing rude comments about each girl made by middle aged men while you discreetly tell bratty kids to quit climbing on the 6-foot tall scaffolding you're standing on because it shakes the camera. There were also the years that I stood outside the fair in a parking lot for 5 days helping to park cars as part of a church fundraiser. (Did I mention we usually had to haul trash and dirt out of it a few days before hand.) Yeah, I hate the fair.

That being said, the Alameda County Fair may have changed my opinion of the fair in general. It was clean, held on sprawling grounds, and just generally pleasant.

Luke liked the animals.

There were lots of cute little piglets!

And a momma cow and her calf

We saw a glimpse of Luke's future here...

and here...

And this, as usual, remains the same. :)

Justin's dream is to be a pig farmer.



Double Ferris Wheel - almost as rare as the "double rainbow," but not quite.

Did I mention how enamored I currently am with the "vintage film" polaroid effect on my smart phone? It makes everything look cooler.



Even I look a better in "vintage film." I think it evens out my pasty uneven skin tone.

Not at the fair, but it belongs in the same weekend - we watched fireworks this year in a cute little Lodi neighborhood. The street was blocked off and everyone just pulled their chairs outside and watched. I love small towns!

Oh, and Luke rode a pony. This was taken as the pony ride operator told me "no pictures from inside!"