I've been frustrated lately. Frustrated by life. Frustrated by the delicate balance between work and home. The roles of worker and mother. Wife and mother. Wife and bread winner.
I have to work. It's not in the cards financially for me to not work. Not even a little bit. Not even in a "if you just sacrifice a little you can have it all" kind of way. I have to earn what I earn and not a penny less at this time in our lives. I also support our family with health benefits that are better than those offered by my husband's company. That being said. Since I HAVE to work, I would at least like to be moving forward in my career. Sounds easy, right? Unfortunately I have discovered two problems with that. I will explain shortly...
Four years into my current career, I am itching for change. It's not that I don't like my job. It's good. There are a lot of challenges to keep me busy. I really enjoy my co-workers. The thing is, the industry I'm in, people don't stay in a position like mine for more than 3 to 5 years. They move onwards and upwards. It's time for the next step. The problem I have found with my attempts at upward mobility are two-fold:
1) People don't want to hire someone who explicitly tells them they have a two-year-old son who is "really important in my life." (I know, who in their right mind would disclose this information in the first place? Yup, this girl.) They aren't legally able to tell you that this is a death sentence for your future, but I just had a first hand experience that indicates otherwise.
2) I don't want to work harder or more hours. I don't want to commute. I work enough hours and weekends as it is and I refuse to do more than I am already committed to. I had yet another first hand experience a few months ago where my supervisor told me that he thought I needed to be sitting in my chair at 7pm every night like some of my co-workers in order to be seen as a leader and worthy of a promotion in my current job. At this point in my life, that's just not going to happen. Upward mobility be darned, I guess.
All this to say, I'm frustrated.
Leaving my darling boy everyday tears me apart. It's been harder than usual lately. Probably because the changes are coming at a more rapid pace. If my career was going somewhere, maybe this would be easier to take. Who knows? Some moms love their jobs, have found a great balance between their mommy and work roles and wouldn't want it any other way. I've searched my soul and determined this isn't me. At least not right now. I think I would always want to earn money somehow, just with a more flexible schedule. Teaching college part-time somewhere (I'm going through this hiring process now actually - on top of my current job), free lancing, professional blogging (ha ha), etc. I would just love to get back even a portion of the 10 hours a day that I am away from Luke. Sooner than later he'll be in school and I feel I will have missed something precious.
Sometimes I envy people who don't work. I envy their craft time. I envy their beautiful, full days with their children. I envy their playdates and their time for baking. I envy their potential for nap time (maybe that doesn't exist in that world either. Ha ha.) When I say "envy," I'll be honest, it's an unhealthy, gut-wretching envy that makes me feel ugly inside. I hate it.
I know the grass isn't always greener, and if I were on that side of the fence I would probably envy the moms who got to wash the food out of their hair, dress up and leave the house for grown up conversations and personal fulfillment on a daily basis. But, I hope I would savor its sweetness a little more knowing what life was like without it.
I don't mean to sound depressing or complain-y (is that a word?) or act like "my life is so hard." Everybody has "stuff" and this is just the "stuff" I've been going through lately. Trying to come to grips with the fact that this is my life and my responsibility to my family right now. That doesn't mean I'm not working towards a way to change this reality, (Justin and I both are), but for now I'm in an uncomfortable place. The desire to grow as a professional chafing against my desires to be the best mommy to my son.
For that reason, I've decided to start a new blog. You may have seen a post meant for that blog come across your blogger dashboard or google reader this afternoon. Rookie multiple blog site poster mistake. I removed the post pretty quick and put it where it was intended, but I felt like I wanted to explain. In case it caused any confusion. I'm sure all 7 followers of this blog were really concerned (insert sarcasm font). I figure I've been going through this discomfort for a reason and thought I would bring a voice to the defining role in my life right now, "Working Mom." 90% of the blogs I read are written by stay-at-home-moms or moms who make a living by blogging or etsy sales. I haven't found much out there for women like me. So, I thought I'd see if I can fill that void.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for understanding. If you are a stay-at-home-mom reading this you might not understand where I'm coming from because you have "stuff" that is hard and uncomfortable about your situation. Regardless, I truly hope you won't pass unnecessary judgement. I see a lot of vitriol spewed from both sides of "the mommy wars" and it turns my stomach. Being a mom is hard no matter what your situation in lfe. I may envy you to an unhealthy degree, but I also give you big props for what you do and I know it can't be easy either. I hope you can extend the same grace and understanding to me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my favorite job! Gotta go pick up "the boss" from his overnight at the Grandparents. :)
